To Tell the Difference
by ImXDragon
Summary: An informational guide to all new ensigns and recruits. Spock is doing it to provide the crew with a logical, and perhaps invaluable study. McCoy is doing it to mess with Kirk.


**A/N:**

**Plot Bunnies...am I right? XD**

**This is a little snippit I thought of when I was sick and watching a Star Trek marathon. This is the result of a sick mind; this was almost all I noticed when I was watching. ^^"**

**OoOoOoO**

**[New Message]**

**To: All New Ensign**

**From: First Officer Spock; CMO Leonard McCoy**

**Many things can happen during our mission aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise; things that you could never expect.**

**One thing that you can expect, however, is cloning. We find that alien species have a habit of cloning Captain Kirk to confuse us, or simply to jest. This message is a basic study guide of how you would tell the difference between an alien, and Captain Kirk.**

**The Real Captain Would:**

**1) Have his shirt ripped in battle**

**2) Become enamored of alien women at first sight**

**3) Speak in a halting, dramatic fashion when giving a passionate (and not always necessary) speech.**

**4) Join landing parties that do not require a captain.**

**5) Use Security Offi**

Spock switched off the screen quickly when he heard the doors of the Sickbay swoosh open. He and McCoy turned in their chairs and looked up at Captain Kirk innocently as he stepped in. Well, Bones was looking innocent; Spock just had that plain, emotionless look about him.

"Good morning Jim," Bones said in a friendly fashion.

"Yes, good morning, Captain." Spock said next, following the doctor's lead.

"And good morning to you two as well," Jim responded slowly, eyeing his friends. Nothing happened on his ship without him knowing. Something was up.

"What are you two working on?"

Spock opened his mouth to speak, but McCoy beat him to it, knowing Vulcans couldn't lie.

"We were just seeing what else we could find out about the self-sufficient soil we discovered on Theta VI*."

Spock snapped his mouth shut and locked his jaw; Kirk couldn't help but notice. The Vulcan was resisting the urge to correct a false statement.

"I thought you told me earlier that you had 'squeezed out every last bit of information' from the soil."

"There's no harm in making sure we haven't missed anything," the doctor countered.

"Have you discovered anything new?" Kirk pressed on.

"We have not-" Spock began.

"But there's one more area I'd like to check." McCoy cut him off.

"Feel free to do so," Jim said, not moving to leave; his friends hesitated.

"Captain," Spock began, looking at McCoy first as if to make sure the doctor wouldn't interrupt again. "I believe you would be more useful on the bridge."

"We just left the Station. I doubt any pressing matters would arise so close to the Station. Lt. Sulu knows the course. I would be useless up there right now."

"I do not mean to offend, but you are useless down here as well. Doctor McCoy and I are perfectly capable of researching this soil on our own," Spock replied nonchalantly.

"Oh come on Spock! What are you two _really _doing down here?" Jim was done with games. He wanted to get down to business. Whatever these two were planning, he wanted in.

Bones was taken aback, but not too surprised. Spock kept his mouth shut.

"Fine, I'll just have to see for myself," Kirk moved to turn the screen on.

"I would advise against it-" Spock was interrupted by a click.

Captain Kirk stood there and stared at the screen for several awkward moments.

"_This _is what you've been doing? Behind my back?"

"We mean no offense," Spock said carefully, "But it is no doubt an invaluable study for the new Ensigns and recruits. If such an event should occur, they would be sufficiently informed to handle the problem."

"The Vulcan's right," McCoy said.

Normally, Kirk would think it significant that Spock and Bones actually agreed on something. But he wasn't paying attention.

"I rip my uniform that often?"

"We had to get a new stock at the Station," Bones replied carefully.

"I am _not _enamored by every alien woman..."

"87.36286 per cent of the time, Captain," Spock responded.

"Unnecessary speeches..."

OoOoOoO

*** If you couldn't tell already, I name planets after the Greek Alphabet. Force of habit. :P**

**Reviews and constructive feedback always appreciated! :D**


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